Indexed: How was your weekend?
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The Zen Path through Depression
I’m reading the “The Zen Path through Depression” by Philip Martin. I’ve been reading it ever since I found it in the hospital on May 15th or so. Its a small book and covers about 50 different topics in a about 2-3 pages each. I have to re-read many over and over and still haven’t read them all. I take notes from what I read and hopes that it will sink in and help my road to recovery.
I photo copied a section called Parental Mind before I left the hospital. I didn’t have time to read it and didn’t know how long it would take to get my own copy. I didn’t read that section until last week before my therapy session. I thought it had to do with being a better parent so I was very interested.
Turns out its all about how depression is a return to your inner child and how we are unable to take care of ourselves. We can’t parent ourselves. We don’t eat well, we want to stay up late or sleep all day, we want to eat sugar all day, at least I do. We don’t want the responsibilities of adulthood and we are frightened to go into the world alone. If we have kids, its very difficult to act around them in a parental way. That is totally me.
Of course I see this in other people around instead of myself initially. My husband barely eats breakfast, doesn’t eat veggies or barely fruit, barely sleeps, drinks coffee ALL day and no water, eats jolly ranchers and reece’s peanut butter cups all day and eats triple-meat hamburgers for dinner, if he even eats dinner. Now do you think he’d let Mason get away with this? Why is he allowed? Just because he is an adult and can make his own decisions doesn’t mean he is making the right decisions. He needs to better parent himself.
How can I better parent myself? Eat better like I know I should? I sleep enough as long as I take my medicine but I do sleep too much many days. How about I get up out of bed and go to work instead of watching movies in bed until noon? How about I cut out frivolous spending and eating out? How about I be more present in raising my own kids? I should stop beating myself up about things and love myself more, but its just not that easy, I’m willing to work on it though.
Stressful Thoughts
I was asked to make a list of stressful thoughts. You know statements that include should, have to, must, or expectations.
Here goes:
- My house should be clean all the time
- My dogs should be allowed in my bed room
- My dogs should not shed or steal food
- When I must sit in boring meetings
- I don’t like wasting time
- I want to sleep but can’t because of responsibilities
- Trying to do it all, cook, parent, clean and relax all at the same time
- My husband when he says “ok” in his tone
- Trying to comfort a crying kid that only wants there dad and he’s not home
- Checking my daughter’s checking account online
That’s a start.
I recently cracked
I recently cracked, but I guess I needed to. I needed a break, needed sleep, needed therapy, needed medication, needed time to think, needed my life to go a different way, needed to forgive, needed to read, needed to talk, needed to learn balance, needed to be appreciated, needed to clear my head, needed to wake up and stop ignoring, needed to stop being so distant and needed to stop running away.
I’m going much better now. Its taking work, but its worth it.
Bored with the internet
I’ve become bored with the internet and want to take a break.
I love flickr but haven’t been on in a week. Been taking photos for my project 365 but nothing that excites me.
Getting bored with twitter as well or reading blogs, or posting for that matter. I gave myself a goal of posting twice a week but don’t really want to keep that up.
So many social sites I am on have events planned but I never go to any. Maybe if I went, I’d be more stimulated and would like the social networking more, but would rather stay home in pjs. Maybe living too far from the city had to do with that, or having a husband and kids to tend to. Or maybe I’m just old?
Maybe its the weather getting to me? Maybe I need a vacation?
I will still use the internet for online banking, my calendar and my to do list but not sure how much else for a while.
Just bored and want to catch up on some movies and sleep more.
Either way, if I don’t post for more than a week, besides delicious links, don’t worry, I’m probably still alive, just not on the computer.
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